November 9, 2024
Have you ever had something in your life you loved? Maybe you were really into singing. Or you loved to bake cakes even if the didn’t come out as pretty as in the magazines. What about cool movies or bands you were into that the majority were not. It can be quite daunting to share what you love if it is ordinary and not a part of trend setting interests. Judgment is unavoidable and a natural part of life. But what if you are in the shark tank?
When I knew I wasn’t going to pursue my degree in English literature I allowed something I was so in love with to essentially die. Writing for me was such a safe haven - something completely for myself that I looked forward to. Sadness plagued me in my undergraduate and graduate school studies. I gave myself a guideline when I completed my masters to begin a blog. I never cared (and still don’t) about the amount of people who read. Reigniting what I view as my own escape was the most significant teaching tool. A lesson I ultimately gained after spending a year in the shark tank.
I kept making excuses of why it wasn’t time. Truly not within my character to be avoidant but it was becoming routine. When my mind is set on something I have always been extreme to finish it. Some cope with their anxiety through meditation, long walks, or a pill. I on the other hand chased the thrill of adrenaline being down to the wire to complete the abundance of tasks and projects on my plate to keep myself going. This time was different. Sure I was busy completing a masters, but I was stuck in the routine of conforming. Conforming to an environment of betrayal, ego, and no moral ground. If I left I failed at what I worked so hard towards achieving. If I stayed I would choose to be enmeshed with lack of character, how could I align with such reality?
Have you ever had something in your life you loved? Maybe you were really into singing. Or you loved to bake cakes even if the didn’t come out as pretty as in the magazines. What about cool movies or bands you were into that the majority were not. It can be quite daunting to share what you love if it is ordinary and not a part of trend setting interests. Judgment is unavoidable and a natural part of life. But what if you are in the shark tank?
When I knew I wasn’t going to pursue my degree in English literature I allowed something I was so in love with to essentially die. Writing for me was such a safe haven - something completely for myself that I looked forward to. Sadness plagued me in my undergraduate and graduate school studies. I gave myself a guideline when I completed my masters to begin a blog. I never cared (and still don’t) about the amount of people who read. Reigniting what I view as my own escape was the most significant teaching tool. A lesson I ultimately gained after spending a year in the shark tank.
I kept making excuses of why it wasn’t time. Truly not within my character to be avoidant but it was becoming routine. When my mind is set on something I have always been extreme to finish it. Some cope with their anxiety through meditation, long walks, or a pill. I on the other hand chased the thrill of adrenaline being down to the wire to complete the abundance of tasks and projects on my plate to keep myself going. This time was different. Sure I was busy completing a masters, but I was stuck in the routine of conforming. Conforming to an environment of betrayal, ego, and no moral ground. If I left I failed at what I worked so hard towards achieving. If I stayed I would choose to be enmeshed with lack of character, how could I align with such reality?
The excuses were a product of the environment I was in. Think about things in your life you changed because of your own surroundings. Maybe a relationship wasn’t enhancing you and your dreams. What about a friend group that is convenient for socializing but lacking in true connection. How about a workplace where you loved the tasks and day to day predictions but the aurora of the office was permeated with negativity? In my case, my first post grad experience proved to be the most telling lesson of young adulthood. We all spend most of our lives working. Our weeks are consumed by 8 hour days with the same people. You become enmeshed with the office and seek comfort and comradery in forming friendships and connection. I have had wonderful work experiences in my life and had the masked idea every experience would be deemed too be great. What if it couldn’t be covered any longer, what do you do?
When you wake up daily anxious and having to second guess your every move, you become a shell. Authenticity was something I was convincing myself that I was cultivating - but I knew I was lying. You can’t relate to people who pull up pictures of someone’s spouse to ridicule and judge in front of an audience. You can’t relate to people who compliment an outfit to your face but ridicule to peers when you walk out the door. Most of all, you never relate to people who set up a true leader to fail because being challenged was too much to swallow. Ego is the detriment of human kind and reveals ultimate wickedness, a lesson causing me heartache but now, gratitude.
I came to the recognition after accepting my job offer in the spring that I needed out. The money was great, location was in the state I was moving to, and the perk of working with my idol (mom) was too good to pass up. Individuals sabotaged each other. Rumors were spread. Arguments happened if not daily, weekly. The attempts I made to buy lunch and throw office celebrations to build a sense of belonging were failed.
When you wake up daily anxious and having to second guess your every move, you become a shell. Authenticity was something I was convincing myself that I was cultivating - but I knew I was lying. You can’t relate to people who pull up pictures of someone’s spouse to ridicule and judge in front of an audience. You can’t relate to people who compliment an outfit to your face but ridicule to peers when you walk out the door. Most of all, you never relate to people who set up a true leader to fail because being challenged was too much to swallow. Ego is the detriment of human kind and reveals ultimate wickedness, a lesson causing me heartache but now, gratitude.
I came to the recognition after accepting my job offer in the spring that I needed out. The money was great, location was in the state I was moving to, and the perk of working with my idol (mom) was too good to pass up. Individuals sabotaged each other. Rumors were spread. Arguments happened if not daily, weekly. The attempts I made to buy lunch and throw office celebrations to build a sense of belonging were failed.
Resiliency, optimism, and strength are the three key principles to Unmasked ultimately born out of my experience this past year working in an environment that will never be cured.
The day I put my notice in was relieving and devastating. I didn’t feel resilient. I didn’t feel strong. Optimism wasn’t exactly in the forefront of my mind either. I didn’t exactly have my plan solidified - it made me think of the many clients who walked through my door. Some of them made altering life choices. Their plans didn’t work out either.
Two months later from my permanent departure I still am unsure of my thoughts. I feel perplexed how individuals can be so cruel. I am puzzled at the lack of loyalty of those who are only in the positions they are in from the sacrifice of others. Most importantly, I am gutted at human nature. Every man out for himself isn’t necessarily a horrible concept - we all need to do what is best for ourselves and our families. But what about the man forgotten about? The same person fighting for each on an individual level. The person with a reputation that others couldn’t hold a candle to.
The reality you may wonder? The weakness of others is never your detriment. You can’t mesh with limited thinking, certainly those who are manipulative for their own gain. You will have an experience in life being similar, whether it's a relationship, a job, a friend group, anything. You have the decision to make a change when you are involved in such a bind. For myself? No amount of money, connection, comfortability, or fear would keep me with limited bounds to grow. You have the ability to change your surroundings, your hopes, your future, and most importantly, your environment of where you are and who is with you.
The day I put my notice in was relieving and devastating. I didn’t feel resilient. I didn’t feel strong. Optimism wasn’t exactly in the forefront of my mind either. I didn’t exactly have my plan solidified - it made me think of the many clients who walked through my door. Some of them made altering life choices. Their plans didn’t work out either.
Two months later from my permanent departure I still am unsure of my thoughts. I feel perplexed how individuals can be so cruel. I am puzzled at the lack of loyalty of those who are only in the positions they are in from the sacrifice of others. Most importantly, I am gutted at human nature. Every man out for himself isn’t necessarily a horrible concept - we all need to do what is best for ourselves and our families. But what about the man forgotten about? The same person fighting for each on an individual level. The person with a reputation that others couldn’t hold a candle to.
The reality you may wonder? The weakness of others is never your detriment. You can’t mesh with limited thinking, certainly those who are manipulative for their own gain. You will have an experience in life being similar, whether it's a relationship, a job, a friend group, anything. You have the decision to make a change when you are involved in such a bind. For myself? No amount of money, connection, comfortability, or fear would keep me with limited bounds to grow. You have the ability to change your surroundings, your hopes, your future, and most importantly, your environment of where you are and who is with you.